The original wound & Need for Reconnection
I grew up thinking my mom wanted me to be a gentleman. Then I boarded ice hockey school. First made me trade my curious freedom for responsibility and manners, the other made me cut off my sensitive side in order to survive. That is where I got disconnected, that is where I learnt how to perform and start building my own armour.
Most of us might not remember so I will lay the foundations borrowing from Judy Y. Chu’s book: When Boys Become Boys. Chu spent two years observing boys from pre-kindergarten through first grade.
She found that at age 4, we boys are deeply relational, highly articulate about our feelings, incredibly empathetic, and fully aware of the emotional dynamics around us.
The "Boy Code" and cutting of the Heart
Boys don't change biologically; we just begin to absorb the cultural script where emotional vulnerability and desire for deep connection are viewed by the culture as "weak" or "feminine."
We learnt that to belong to the "pack" of men, we must sever our connection to our own Heart. And we begin to equate isolation with strength.
The loss of language
Ever wondered why we find it so difficult to argue, let alone with an argument with a women when the emotions are high? Since we stop speaking about our emotional inner lives early on, we slowly lose the vocabulary and the somatic awareness to even recognize our own feelings. By adolescence, the conscious hiding has become unconscious numbness. The Heart is walled off so completely that the man forgets it's even there.
Accommodation (The Birth of the Good Boy)
We actually never lose our emotional capacity; we just learn to hide it. We become incredibly skilled at reading what the culture demands of us and adjusting our behavior to fit in. We learn to perform, and optimise. On the paper we are winning. But deep inside we feel hollow, with our relationship functional and inner world chaotic. We keep chasing high to look for the energy from the outside.
But at some point, our need for capacity for deep feeling, passion, grief, and visceral connection to life is getting louder day by day.
Your Next Adventure: Back to You
Good news is we can unlearn the accommodation. The original self is still inside, waiting. It’s time to leave the intellect, and come back to your body, and the heart. To reconnect with who you really are.
